Ron DeSantis – The Authoritarian Governor
Position: Governor of Florida (2019-present)
Prior: U.S. Representative (2013-2018)
The Pitch: “Florida is where woke goes to die”
The Reality: Florida is where democracy, education, and environmental protection go to die
What He’s Done:
- Banned books from schools and libraries under the guise of “parental rights”
- Signed the “Don’t Say Gay” bill erasing LGBTQ+ people from education
- Attacked Disney for daring to criticize his policies (so much for the “free market”)
- Banned AP African American Studies because apparently Black history is too dangerous
- Appointed political loyalists to public university boards to control curriculum
- Flew migrants to Martha’s Vineyard as a political stunt using taxpayer money
- Denied climate change while Florida literally floods
- Restricted abortion access and healthcare for trans youth
The Sarcasm: Nothing says “freedom” quite like banning books, controlling curriculum, punishing businesses for their opinions, and deciding what teachers can say in classrooms. DeSantis has perfected the art of claiming to fight authoritarianism while being authoritatively authoritarian. It’s government overreach dressed up in freedom cosplay.
Why He Matters: He’s not just Trump 2.0—he’s Trump with competence and a plan. That makes him more dangerous. He’s turned Florida into a laboratory for authoritarian policies he wants to export nationally.
Donald Trump – The President (Again)
Position: President of the United States (2025-present), Former President (2017-2021), Mar-a-Lago resident
The Comeback: After four years of chaos, criminal indictments, and attempted coups, America said “let’s do that again”
What He’s Done:
- First Term (2017-2021):
- Attempted to overturn a democratic election he lost
- Incited January 6th insurrection at the U.S. Capitol
- Separated immigrant families and put children in cages
- Downplayed COVID-19 leading to hundreds of thousands of preventable deaths
- Appointed three Supreme Court justices who overturned Roe v. Wade
- Two impeachments (both acquitted by Senate Republicans)
- Stole classified documents and kept them at Mar-a-Lago
- Between Terms:
- Faced 91 criminal indictments across four cases
- Convicted on 34 felony counts in New York (first former president ever convicted)
- Found liable for sexual abuse and defamation
- Continued spreading election lies and conspiracy theories
- Promised “retribution” against political enemies
- Second Term (So Far):
- Appointed loyalists like Marco Rubio (Secretary of State), Pam Bondi (Attorney General nominee), and other enablers to key positions
- Promised mass deportations and authoritarian policies
- Threatened to prosecute political opponents
- [This section will fill in as the nightmare unfolds]
The Sarcasm: Nothing says “learn from your mistakes” quite like re-electing someone who tried to overturn democracy, stole classified documents, got convicted of 34 felonies, and promised revenge against his enemies. But sure, he’s going to “Make America Great Again” this time. What could possibly go wrong? (Again.)
The man turned criminality into a lifestyle brand, survived more scandals than most people have had hot dinners, got convicted of felonies, and still won the presidency. He’s proof that accountability is optional if you’re shameless enough.
Why He Matters: He’s not just the blueprint for modern Republican authoritarianism—he’s the president executing that blueprint with the full power of the federal government. Every other person on this list either learned from him, serves him, or enabled him. Now he’s back with a vengeance and fewer guardrails than before.
Florida Connection: He’s a Florida resident (Mar-a-Lago), he appointed Florida judges like Aileen Cannon who protected him, and he’s surrounded himself with Florida Republicans like Rubio, Gaetz (briefly), and Bondi. Florida’s corruption went national, and now it’s running the country.
Pam Bondi – The Trump Loyalist Attorney General (Federal, Proposed)
Position: Former Florida Attorney General (2011-2019), Trump’s proposed U.S. Attorney General
The Record: A history of conflicts of interest and questionable ethics
What She’s Done:
- Received a $25,000 campaign donation from Trump’s foundation in 2013, then declined to investigate Trump University fraud claims in Florida (totally coincidental timing, surely)
- Lobbied for Trump after leaving office
- Defended Trump during his first impeachment
- Now nominated to be U.S. Attorney General despite ethics questions
The Sarcasm: Nothing suspicious about receiving money from someone you’re supposed to be investigating, then choosing not to investigate them, then going to work for them. This is totally how justice works! And now she might run the entire U.S. Department of Justice. What could go wrong?
Why She Matters: She represents the corruption pipeline from Florida politics to federal power. Loyalty to Trump matters more than ethics, experience, or the rule of law.
Matt Gaetz – The Scandal-Plagued Congressman
Position: U.S. Representative, FL-1 (2017-present)
Known For: Investigations, allegations, and being Trump’s most loyal lapdog
What He’s Done/Been Accused Of:
- Federal investigation into allegations of sex trafficking and sex with a minor (investigation ended without charges, but… yikes)
- Showed nude photos of women he allegedly slept with on the House floor (classy)
- Only member of Congress to vote against anti-human trafficking bill (seriously, the ONLY one)
- Leading election denier and January 6th defender
- Nominated to be Trump’s Attorney General (briefly, until even Republicans said “uh, no”)
- General chaos agent and attention seeker
The Sarcasm: When your primary qualification is “most willing to embarrass yourself on Trump’s behalf,” you too can represent Florida in Congress! Gaetz has turned scandal into a performance art, and his constituents keep re-electing him because apparently standards are for losers.
Why He Matters: He represents the bottom of the barrel—and yet he keeps rising. If Gaetz can survive multiple scandals and nearly become Attorney General, it shows how loyalty trumps everything in today’s GOP.
Marco Rubio – The Spineless Senator
Position: U.S. Senator from Florida (2011-present), now Secretary of State
Evolution: From “Little Marco” Trump critic to loyal Trump servant
What He’s Done:
- Called Trump a “con artist” in 2016, then became his biggest defender
- Voted to acquit Trump in both impeachment trials
- Spread election fraud lies after 2020
- Opposed certifying the 2020 election results (initially, then flip-flopped)
- Supported abortion bans and restrictions on LGBTQ+ rights
- Climate change skeptic representing a state being destroyed by climate change
The Sarcasm: Remember when Rubio had a spine? Neither does he. Watching Rubio’s transformation from Trump critic to Trump loyalist is like watching someone’s dignity evaporate in real-time. He went from calling Trump dangerous to becoming his Secretary of State. That’s not political evolution—that’s political prostitution.
Why He Matters: He’s the prototype for Republican cowardice. Say one thing, do another, abandon all principles for political survival.
Rick Scott – The Medicare Fraudster Senator
Position: U.S. Senator from Florida (2019-present), former Governor (2011-2019)
Background: Former healthcare CEO whose company paid record fines for Medicare fraud
What He’s Done:
- His company, Columbia/HCA, paid $1.7 billion in fines for Medicare fraud (largest in history)
- As Governor, rejected Medicaid expansion leaving hundreds of thousands without healthcare
- As Senator, proposed sunsetting Social Security and Medicare every five years
- One of the wealthiest members of Congress while advocating cuts to social programs
- Climate change denier while Florida faces existential threats
The Sarcasm: Who better to oversee healthcare policy than someone whose company committed massive healthcare fraud? Rick Scott looked at his record of profiting off Medicare fraud and thought, “You know what? I should cut Medicare entirely!” Bold strategy. And he wants to sunset Social Security every five years, which definitely has nothing to do with him being worth over $200 million and not needing it.
Why He Matters: He represents the kleptocratic wing of the GOP—profit off public systems, then destroy them so nobody else can benefit.
Anna Paulina Luna – The Conspiracy Theorist Congresswoman
Position: U.S. Representative, FL-13 (2023-present)
Background: QAnon-adjacent, election denier, extremist
What She’s Done:
- Promoted election fraud conspiracy theories
- Connections to January 6th participants
- Spread COVID-19 misinformation
- Introduced articles of impeachment against Biden based on conspiracy theories
- Fabricated parts of her biography (claimed Hispanic heritage she doesn’t have)
The Sarcasm: Luna represents Florida’s finest tradition of electing people who believe in conspiracy theories over reality. Why bother with facts when you can just make stuff up? She’s like if a Facebook comment section became a congresswoman.
Why She Matters: She shows how far-right extremism has gone mainstream in Florida. Conspiracy theories aren’t disqualifying—they’re qualifications.
Jeffrey Epstein & Ghislaine Maxwell – The Sex Trafficking Monsters
Positions: Deceased financier (Epstein) and convicted sex trafficker (Maxwell)
Florida Connection: Palm Beach mansion where much of the abuse occurred
What They Did:
- Operated an international sex trafficking ring targeting underage girls
- Epstein’s Palm Beach mansion was central hub of abuse
- Connections to powerful people across politics, business, and entertainment
- Epstein died in custody under suspicious circumstances before facing full justice
- Maxwell convicted on five counts including sex trafficking of minors
The Sarcasm: Epstein didn’t kill himself. There, we said it. And the fact that so many powerful people were connected to this monster—and faced no consequences—tells you everything about how justice works for the wealthy and connected.
Why They Matter: They represent the rot at the core of power—wealthy predators protected by their connections until they couldn’t be anymore. And the full story of who was involved and what they did will probably never come out.
Alex Acosta – The Deal Maker
Position: Former U.S. Secretary of Labor (2017-2019), former U.S. Attorney for Southern District of Florida
The Deal: Gave Jeffrey Epstein a sweetheart plea deal in 2008
What He Did:
- As U.S. Attorney, negotiated a non-prosecution agreement for Epstein that let him plead to minor state charges
- The deal was done in secret, violating victims’ rights
- Epstein served 13 months in a county jail with work release (yes, really)
- Acosta later claimed he was told Epstein “belonged to intelligence” (what?)
- Resigned as Labor Secretary when the deal became public
The Sarcasm: Acosta looked at a serial child sex trafficker and thought, “You know what this man needs? A slap on the wrist and work release privileges.” Then he got promoted to Trump’s cabinet! That’s not a bug in the system—that’s the system working exactly as designed for powerful predators.
Why He Matters: He enabled Epstein’s continued abuse for years. His deal allowed a monster to continue operating until public pressure finally forced accountability.
Aileen Cannon – The Trump-Appointed Judge
Position: U.S. District Judge, Southern District of Florida
Appointed By: Donald Trump (2020)
Known For: Questionable rulings favoring Trump
What She’s Done:
- Appointed special master in Trump’s classified documents case (overturned by appeals court)
- Made rulings that delayed Trump’s documents trial indefinitely
- Dismissed the classified documents case against Trump on dubious grounds
- Pattern of rulings that benefit Trump and obstruct prosecution
The Sarcasm: Who could have predicted that a judge appointed by Trump would bend over backwards to help Trump? Shocking! Cannon has demonstrated that lifetime appointments mean you can make wildly questionable rulings without consequences. The independence of the judiciary is truly inspiring.
Why She Matters: She represents the successful long-term strategy of packing courts with loyalists who will protect Trump and conservative interests regardless of law or precedent.
Randy Fine
Position: U.S. Representative, Florida’s 6th District (2025-Present)
Former Positions: Florida State Senator (2024-2025), Florida House of Representatives (2016-2024)
Party: Republican
Location: Brevard County
The Charges
- Incitement to Violence: Posted “Regards from Randy Fine” on artillery shells to be fired on Gaza. Used the hashtag “#BombsAway” and told Congresswomen Rashida Tlaib and Ilhan Omar to “consider leaving before I get there.”
- Anti-LGBTQ Extremism: Said about LGBTQ community: “If it means erasing a community because you have to target children, then, damn right, we ought to do it!” Repeatedly claimed gay and lesbian people are “grooming” minors.
- Islamophobia: Called Ireland an “antisemitic country” for recognizing Palestine. Pledged to ban Florida government entities from contracting with Irish, Norwegian, and Spanish companies after they recognized Palestinian statehood.
- Ethics Violations: In 2023, Florida Commission on Ethics found probable cause that Fine “abused his position to obtain a disproportionate benefit” and “misused his position by threatening to take away State funding over a personal feud with a Brevard County School Board member.” (Charges later dismissed in 2024)
- “Bare-Knuckle Politics”: Known for his aggressive, combative style. Even AIPAC removed him from their database of pro-Israeli politicians. Republican Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene called his tweets “disgraceful.”
- Anti-Palestinian Rhetoric: Voted against a ceasefire resolution in Gaza, claiming anyone who supported it was “putting every Jewish child in the state at risk.”
“The Hebrew Hammer is coming. Rashida Tlaib and Ilhan Omar might consider leaving before I get there. #BombsAway”
– Randy Fine on X (formerly Twitter), announcing congressional run
Why This Matters
Fine represents an extreme wing of Florida politics that openly advocates for “erasing” marginalized communities, celebrates violence, and uses governmental power to settle personal vendettas. His rhetoric has been condemned even by members of his own party, yet he continues to win elections with Trump’s full endorsement. He embodies the normalization of hate speech and threats in modern Florida politics.
Byron Donalds
Position: U.S. Representative, Florida’s 19th District (2021-Present)
Former Position: Florida House of Representatives (2016-2020)
Party: Republican
Current Campaign: Running for Florida Governor (2026)
Location: Naples, Southwest Florida
The Charges
- Election Denier & Insurrection Defender: One of 147 Republicans who voted to overturn the 2020 election results on January 6, 2021, just hours after the violent Capitol insurrection. Repeatedly claimed Joe Biden was not the legitimate president. Voted against the bipartisan commission to investigate January 6th, calling impeachment “a waste of time.”
- Jim Crow Revisionism: Praised the Jim Crow era, claiming “During Jim Crow, the Black family was together” and suggesting Black people were “better off” under racial segregation. These comments sparked widespread condemnation, yet Donalds doubled down on his statements.
- Potential Election Law Violations: In 2025, appeared to violate Florida election law by simultaneously running for both Congress and Governor – positions with overlapping terms. State law explicitly prohibits qualifying as a candidate for more than one office with concurrent terms.
- Criminal Record (Expunged): In 2000, pleaded no contest to a felony theft charge for allegedly attempting to defraud a bank by depositing a bad check. While his record was later sealed and expunged, the incident reveals a pattern of ethical lapses.
- Legislative Absenteeism: Critics note he’s “best known for skipping votes” and has “little political experience and no executive experience” despite running for governor.
- Trump’s Puppet: Received Trump’s endorsement for governor purely as revenge against Ron DeSantis, with Democrats warning he would be Trump’s “puppet in the governor’s mansion.” Trump’s endorsement came extraordinarily early (February 2025 for August 2026 primary) to prevent any serious opposition.
“During Jim Crow, the Black family was together. During Jim Crow, more Black people were — not just conservative, because Black people have always been conservative-minded — but more Black people voted conservatively.”
– Byron Donalds, June 2024, speaking in Philadelphia
Why This Matters
Donalds represents the MAGA wing’s attempt to rewrite American history, minimize the horrors of segregation, and undermine democratic elections. If elected governor, he would be Florida’s first Black governor – yet his revisionist praise of Jim Crow and defense of insurrectionists makes him a particularly troubling figure. His willingness to overturn election results and defend those who stormed the Capitol shows contempt for democratic norms. Florida Democrats warn he would be “completely unqualified to run the state” and serves only Trump’s revenge agenda against DeSantis.
Cory Mills
Position: U.S. Representative, Florida’s 7th District (2023-Present)
Party: Republican
Location: Central Florida (Volusia County area)
Status: Under House Ethics Investigation, Facing Censure Motion
The Charges
- Domestic Violence Allegations & Cover-Up: D.C. Metropolitan Police issued an arrest warrant in February 2025 after a woman accused Mills of assault, but Trump-appointed interim U.S. Attorney Ed Martin refused to sign it. Police reports described the victim as “physically shaking and scared.” Mills allegedly encouraged the victim to lie to police. Internal investigation of the police handling is ongoing.
- Court-Ordered Restraining Order: In October 2025, Florida Circuit Judge Fred Koberlein Jr. issued a final injunction for protection against dating violence, finding that Mills harassed and threatened his ex-girlfriend, Lindsey Langston (Miss United States and Florida GOP committee member). The judge found Mills’ explanations for his conduct “not credible.”
- Revenge Porn Threats: Mills threatened to release sexually explicit videos and images of Langston after she ended their relationship in February 2025. He also threatened to harm any future romantic partners she might have. Langston testified she was “scared” of Mills, describing him as “powerful, well-connected, and wealthy.”
- Ethics Violations – Financial Conflicts: House Ethics Committee is investigating Mills for omitting or misrepresenting information in financial disclosure reports and personally benefiting from federal contracts while in office. Mills is tied to businesses that received munition and weapons contracts for prisons – a clear conflict of interest.
- Business Fraud & Worker Exploitation: Mills’ company PACEM Solutions is $48 million in debt to a Canadian lender and was forced to close its munitions plant twice by Florida Department of Financial Services for failing to pay workers’ compensation insurance premiums.
- Facing Censure Motion: Rep. Yvette Clarke (D-NY) introduced a motion to censure Mills in September 2025, citing behavior that “brings discredit upon the House of Representatives.” House Democrats have called his situation “untenable and frightening.”
- Extreme Anti-LGBTQ Hypocrisy: While engaging in extramarital affairs and threatening women, Mills claims to “protect women” from LGBTQ people. He opposes same-sex marriage, calls gender-affirming care “child abuse,” and introduced the “DEI to DIE Act” to abolish all federal diversity programs. Judge ruled he himself is “a danger to women.”
- Eviction for Non-Payment: Mills is facing a lawsuit seeking his eviction over alleged failure to pay thousands of dollars in rent at a D.C. property.
“I thought I could handle it by myself. Please help me.”
– Lindsey Langston, testifying through tears before the judge about her fear of Cory Mills
Why This Matters
Cory Mills represents the dangerous hypocrisy at the heart of the “family values” right wing. While claiming to protect women and children, a Florida judge found him to be an actual danger to women. While railing against LGBTQ Americans, he engaged in extramarital affairs, domestic violence, and revenge porn threats. His case exposes how Trump-appointed officials protect Republican criminals – D.C. police issued an arrest warrant that was simply ignored by Trump’s prosecutor. Mills faces multiple ongoing investigations for ethics violations, financial conflicts, and abuse, yet House Republican leadership calls him a “faithful colleague” and refuses to hold him accountable. This is what corruption looks like when it wears a flag pin.
The Pattern
Notice the themes:
- Loyalty over ethics
- Corruption rewarded with promotion
- Predators protected by power
- Judges making political rulings
- Democracy threatened by those sworn to protect it
This isn’t just a collection of bad individuals—it’s a system that rewards the worst behavior and punishes accountability.